The sun is out but we stay inside...

oh but we go out at night...

I'm really digging my ever thriving friend group of bros. Lucie, Jimmeth, et moi are really connecting on a spiritual and "boobies" level. We have fun every night. We have also been hanging out every night for like the last 6 days. That's pretty flipping awesome. We don't even hate each other yet.

On the other hand, the cutest thing happened tonight and I just think I needed to share.

So, usually whenever bath time is over I carry Dimitri to his room in his towel, I sit him on the bed, and then I lay down and I tell him I'm tired and going to sleep.
"Non! Danielle, tu m'habiller!!"
"Je ne peux pas, Dimitri, je dors."

It's pretty adorable and we have a good time. Tonight, I took Dimitri to his room and and he told me he was afraid to be in there (probably from all of the weekend phantoms) so we went to the living room. I carried him and sat down on the couch, hugging him in my lap all bundled up in his towel and said,
"Je suis très fatiguée, Dimitri, bonne nuit."
And I pretended to be asleep, as usual. Except this time, he put his head against my chest, shut his eyes, and was OUT.
I shook him after a few seconds and he blinked up at me.
"Dit-moi quand tu es prêt, et je vais t'habiller"
"D'accord" he whispered as he shut his eyes once more and fell into a restful sleep. I thought maybe five minutes would be okay, but he didn't wake up. Then ten minutes. Then I was falling asleep holding this little bundle. Our breathing became slow and rhythmic and I thought that there is nothing more beautiful, more simple than a child sleeping.
I'm so glad he stopped having bad dreams. I could feel myself giving him all my good vibes in the hopes that he would have good dreams tonight, at the risk of sacrificing my own. It's funny how a five-year-old who is still afraid to be in his room sleeps peacefully while I go on post-poning my bedtime.

I've had terrible dreams the last few nights. As if my entire lifestyle could be summed up into a fraction of a second in a story I'm telling myself behind closed eyes. It's just when a certain someone says the things you're most afraid to hear in real life to your subconscious, it makes for a guilt-ridden dream.
As if I'd never be good enough to live up to someone's idealized expectations of me.
Thank god that you can always wake up from your dreams because this reality is better than the best stories I've ever written.

From a perfectly creative point of view as well, I've tried to day-dream less (beacuse I'm pretty sure I have a problem) and focus more on noticing. It's amazing what you see on the metro when you're not busy thinking about yourself...


sometimes i wonder if anyone looks and sees that girl. 
the sad one. 
the one who smiles but behind that grin is her own pit of despair. 
do they see her ever? 
do they notice? 
does anyone want to fix her? 
what did you think when you first saw her? 
when you first had her? 
was she special or just another notch? 
she told me that you gave her hope, hope she assumed didn't exist anymore for people like her...people who are BROKEN.


(I felt like I was Eminem from 8 Mile last night as I wrote that on the metro. Hood up, head against the glass, music blasting away the potential memory of the city passing me by outside my window. One shot, one opportunity.)