M'aider! (Help me! Pronounced May-Day)

Just a little piece of French language you didn't know you were using everyday.

I won't be long, and please don't worry about me but...

They took Ulghor.
They took him à la campagne.
They took him this morning.
He'll be gone for the next. four. days.
Carrying him downstairs, his sobs echoing in the hallway, at least they let me have that courtesy.
To give him away, watch them smash his box between two children. Two children who, when he was crying, kicked the cage. 
He didn't stop. 
Goodbye my lover. 

At least in the countryside you are truly king of your domain. 
Kill some stuff for me. 


I've literally never felt so alone. 

The sun is out but we stay inside...

oh but we go out at night...

I'm really digging my ever thriving friend group of bros. Lucie, Jimmeth, et moi are really connecting on a spiritual and "boobies" level. We have fun every night. We have also been hanging out every night for like the last 6 days. That's pretty flipping awesome. We don't even hate each other yet.

On the other hand, the cutest thing happened tonight and I just think I needed to share.

So, usually whenever bath time is over I carry Dimitri to his room in his towel, I sit him on the bed, and then I lay down and I tell him I'm tired and going to sleep.
"Non! Danielle, tu m'habiller!!"
"Je ne peux pas, Dimitri, je dors."

It's pretty adorable and we have a good time. Tonight, I took Dimitri to his room and and he told me he was afraid to be in there (probably from all of the weekend phantoms) so we went to the living room. I carried him and sat down on the couch, hugging him in my lap all bundled up in his towel and said,
"Je suis très fatiguée, Dimitri, bonne nuit."
And I pretended to be asleep, as usual. Except this time, he put his head against my chest, shut his eyes, and was OUT.
I shook him after a few seconds and he blinked up at me.
"Dit-moi quand tu es prêt, et je vais t'habiller"
"D'accord" he whispered as he shut his eyes once more and fell into a restful sleep. I thought maybe five minutes would be okay, but he didn't wake up. Then ten minutes. Then I was falling asleep holding this little bundle. Our breathing became slow and rhythmic and I thought that there is nothing more beautiful, more simple than a child sleeping.
I'm so glad he stopped having bad dreams. I could feel myself giving him all my good vibes in the hopes that he would have good dreams tonight, at the risk of sacrificing my own. It's funny how a five-year-old who is still afraid to be in his room sleeps peacefully while I go on post-poning my bedtime.

I've had terrible dreams the last few nights. As if my entire lifestyle could be summed up into a fraction of a second in a story I'm telling myself behind closed eyes. It's just when a certain someone says the things you're most afraid to hear in real life to your subconscious, it makes for a guilt-ridden dream.
As if I'd never be good enough to live up to someone's idealized expectations of me.
Thank god that you can always wake up from your dreams because this reality is better than the best stories I've ever written.

From a perfectly creative point of view as well, I've tried to day-dream less (beacuse I'm pretty sure I have a problem) and focus more on noticing. It's amazing what you see on the metro when you're not busy thinking about yourself...


sometimes i wonder if anyone looks and sees that girl. 
the sad one. 
the one who smiles but behind that grin is her own pit of despair. 
do they see her ever? 
do they notice? 
does anyone want to fix her? 
what did you think when you first saw her? 
when you first had her? 
was she special or just another notch? 
she told me that you gave her hope, hope she assumed didn't exist anymore for people like her...people who are BROKEN.


(I felt like I was Eminem from 8 Mile last night as I wrote that on the metro. Hood up, head against the glass, music blasting away the potential memory of the city passing me by outside my window. One shot, one opportunity.)

The Pleasantries

Walkin' home this morning was really lovely. It was still a little dark as I left the courtyard, but grey enough to indicate the sun was beginning to smile upon this edge of the earth. There was pep in my step, and the weather was just warm enough to have vans on, my lucky grey pants, and a demin jacket. I strolled down Rue de Prague which makes me smile for a thousand different reasons!

I think that sometimes you find yourself most comfortable with the people who really see you. The best thing about people who see you is that you don't even mean to show them anything. Half the time you don't even realize they are looking. But they are. They're the ones who make you laugh when you don't want to, make you feel beautiful when you aren't, and alive when you want to curl up in a ball and disappear next to them.

They also make hilarious raps on the metro.

This morning I ate a croissant
and I washed it down with a boisson
and tonight for dinner, I'm gonna make me some poisson

I was dying.
I got home at a normal hour, just in time for breakfast and was able to wash the glow off. They have the NICEST shower. The bathroom is decorated like you're showering outdoors in a rural Italian countryside. Plus the water gets real hot which is always the key to feeling squeaky, squeaky clean. :)

I took the trash out later in the day, and as I looked up at the bluest sky, and felt the crisp but comforting breeze and I thought "could today be any more pleasant?"

I'm feeling like after Normandie and such there's been a switch flipped in me and that I'm heading uphill toward something I couldn't have ever imagined. Should be exciting!

Mon Lundi

After an amazing weekend in Normandie, I've felt so rejuvenated. I listened to Paolo Nutini "Loving You" over and over. I discovered a new song "Glowing" by The Script. The most beautiful lyrics.

and we don't even know where we're going, but I'm sitting with you and I'm glowing...
woke up this morning, to a kiss just like a whisper...

Olympe was stoked to see me last night too. We got matching tattoos. Adorbsauce.

Today was cool, we all just chilled and stuff and then this afternoon we went and saw ALADIN!
Right before we left my Navigo card came in the mail so Eléonore charged it for me for the end of October and November. (We are going to switch off months.) It's great how well we are all getting along now that everyone is on vacation.
Aladdin was freakin' awesome. Even in French I was really picking up what they were putting down and the jokes were still funny. I really enjoyed it even though it was for children. I also got one hell of a workout carrying Olympe around Paris. Being with kids on the metro is terrifying and exciting haha.

Then I guess we prepared for dinner, ate, and Antoine asked if I was going to go out. I told him that I was. And he said, "With that boy you told me about?" to which Eléonore looked up SO confused.
"What boy?"
Antoine looks at me.
"What boy?" she asks again, "Why does he get to know and I don't"
"I'm sorry!"
We're all laughing and they ask me the typical slew of questions that concerned parents keep on the back burner for such occasions.
"Is he fun?"
"Is he good looking?"
"Would you introduce him to your mother?"
"Is he a gentleman?"
"Do you have a photo?"

They're very supportive. :)
So here I go. Bon Chance.
To the Lions!!!

Also, Happy Birthday Daddy! I miss you and love you! I hope it's a great day. I'll find a way to send you the video!

NORMANDIE!

I. LOVE. NORMANDIE.

I don't have much to say. I've met some sweet people on this trip. I've met some assholes. They can go back to Romania.
But a picture is worth a thousand words, so here I go.

So, Mont St. Michel, Deauville, and Honfleur were AWESOME. These barely sum it up. But for whatever reason, a switch was flipped in me. I just feel...good.

Wiping off the Dusty

Today just started out great :) Yesterday Eléonore picked the kids up from school, which meant that I took them to school this morning because she had a funeral to go to that she needed to get ready for. Désolée. 

Then I came home and skype with Jeremy!! The best of times! We laughed, we cried, we said lots of things we would later regret, such as "I miss you" and "I love you" and "Show me your titties!" He didn't. It was disappointing.
Alas, he's my bestie.

Tomorrow though, I'm going to Normandie with Lauren. It cost 87euro which isn't TOO expensive, but it's still basically all I had. THAT BEING SAID, Antoine was really interested in what I was going to be doing there.

After a delicious home-cooked meal of hamburger's, homemade fries, and salad (which I prepared for the fam) Antoine and I spent like an hour talking about Normandie, and art, and music. He quizzes me on my Edith Piaf and was surprised that I actually know more about her life and times (therefore her songs) than the average American who's initial response to Edith is "OMG I regret nothing! La Vie En Rose" He liked that I knew some of her early unknown stuff. He also explained to me that Deauville, a town in Normandie, is really famous for a movie "Un Homme et Une Femme" and the music that goes along with it. He really likes Nostalgic genres. We listened to Dusty Springfield for a long time after that.

It was really fun to learn about his music style and to go to another providence with a little background on the town. We ended the conversation eating the rest of the carrot cake I made. It didn't suck.

P.S. Dimitri gave me a bunch of stuff for cooking such a delicious dinner haha.

AFTER
I ended up meeting up with Lauren and Maya and we met some dude off of Craigslist in the Latien Quarters. Everyone needs a Craigslist story. We'll call him E. He was very sweet and showed us some fun places around that part of Paris. Educational to say the least. :)

LA FRENCH

Tonight was SO fun.
Our really cool friend Taylor (I call her Twister cause we met at a club called Titty Twister and she's just sassy enough to pull off the nickname) invited us to a party in Paris for like a grand opening. There were a bunch of DJs playing stuff and it was in this SICK underground place underneath a museum/restaurant or something? I'm not sure. But there was a sick light show, and you had to RSVP ahead of time to get "on the list" it made me feel fat and sassy.

It was great though! The DJs played old swing music, and big band stuff. It was SO fun. I danced all night! I didn't feel like I had to be sexy or "on the prowl" for some men. It was careless and fun. FRANKLY, I've really needed to just DANCE.

Like Dane Cook says, "Fuck guys tonight, I just wanna dance. I just wanna stand around with our shoes and our pocket books and if any guys come near us we'll taser them."

I did dance with Peter, Twister's friend, he's really cool. We both scoped for sexy gentlemen, and neither of us could tell who was straight and who wasn't. It was a disaster haha :)
A BEAUTIFUL DISASTER!

I want us to stay friends.
Dancing is the best.

Hump Day Encore

This week has been a little rough. I'm still struggling with Olympe. Yesterday she told me that I was her favorite au pair, and that she wanted to me to stay ANOTHER year when this year was over. She said I was cool and fun blah blah blah...then later that night she was freaking out at the computer and like hit me and then told her mom that I swore at her and hit her!

I don't even know how to swear in French! The word she said I used I'd never even heard before!
It was infuriating. We've really been working with her because truthfully she's just really stressed out at school. Apparently there are four boys in her class who make the school day a really tense environment, and that's no way for a child to learn but I've also told Eléonore that I didn't come to Paris to be abused by a seven-year-old. I've been working on being understanding but that was just freakin weird last night. Whatever.

Tonight though, Eléonore invited me to go see a movie with her and her friend. I said yes because I felt we should have some lady bonding and it would be a good way to spend time with her outside of work, and outside of the house.

Back track-today I took Dimitri to his sports/fitness class.

Dinner time:
Eléonore begins, "So Danielle, what did you think of le professeur du sport?"
Antoine sighed in exasperation. Meanwhile, I sit across from Eléonore unable to prevent my face from turning bright red.
"He's good looking no?"
Antoine shakes his head while all I can do is nod mine.
She and I just laughed and laughed and laughed.
"Antoine gets jealous," she exclaimed laughing.
"I'm not a jealous person," he made sure to say in English.

It was hilarious. When Eléonore and I left for the movie (which was hilarious, and I actually understood a pretty good amount) I told her, "Quand j'ai vu le professeur du sport je pensais que j'ai tombe amoureuse immediatement dans le gymnase."
Needless to say, going to the movie was a good idea, and I think we were able to actually bond as PEOPLE. Good times. There's hope yet!

Another good day :)

This morning was really great. Even though I was up all night last night writing that paper, I sent it to the Dude and blah blah all is well.

I woke up early, as usual, and got ready to meet with Jess for a really cute little breakfast near the Bastille. Like I've said, Jess and I were never like BEST FRIENDS, but she's such a genuine and chill girl. It's been really nice hanging out with her here.
After lunch we met Lucie at the Louvre and walked around before going to Musée D'Orsay to look at some impressionist paintings! I've been carrying around my camera more so I can learn to use it and be prepared for beautiful things! Lucie takes photos too, she's a lot better than I am though.

There was something so authentic about seeing the paintings in person. I got a little emotional looking at one Van Gogh painting.

La Guinguette à Montmartre, 1886

It's such a beautiful painting. There's something about seeing it in France and knowing the Montmartre area that made me feel even more connected to it. The emotional experience transpired when I really studied the strokes of the painting. There are certain places where the paint was clumped up, and protruding from the canvas. Color upon color, stroke upon stroke, a tiny mountain of paint. It was process in real time. I just pictured Van Gogh sitting and painting over and over the tiny section until he got it just right. For those of you who don't know much about art or writing or whatever, process is a HUGE concept that gives the artist all the freedom to create until they get the result they desire. Process isn't about perfection, it's about the development of that moment. Nothing is ever perfect, but it can always be finished :)

It was just a beautiful moment where I felt as though I was moving through time, and could actually acknowledge that he was a real human being. It was evidence of his actions and his mind. It was just really beautiful. And this painting is one of my favorite from the post-impressionistic era. Beautiful.

 So, that's the art historian in me having a romantic day at the museum.

THEN, tonight the Arc de Triomphe was free to go up to the top. It was amazing. I had some dude I'd met through MeetUp, Jimmy, in fact, "meet up" with us at the Champs Élysées before crossing under the most dangerous round-about in the world to the Arc. He's pretty awesome actually. We're gonna be bros. It's special and refreshing to have a dude that like, I can just chill with. We walked home from Lauren's together and just like recapped our relationship history. Instant homies after a convo like that. 

Also, I was telling him about this very special trinket that was given to me. 

"That's a Brand New song"

"No way"

"Way dawg"

"What's it called?"

"Jude Law and a Semester Abroad"

Tell all the English [French] boys you meet, about the American boy back in the states. The American boy you used to date. Who would do anything you say. 

Indeed, it is. Not the kindest song either for a girl involved in a break-up.

You learn something new everyday.

Here's some pics...

Croque monsieur

elephant at Musée D'Orsay

me lauren and jimmy...weird blurs i dunno

So here's a present to let you know I still exist. I hope the next boy that you kiss has something terribly contagious on his lips...

Brand New-"Jude Law and a Semester Abroad"

Back in College

SO, I'm not sure if I mentioned it but I told The Dude that I would finish the rest of his paper for him in exchange for a fancy dinner.

That being said I spent most of today working on it, and also editing some papers for my mom which was good practice at editing for me, and also really helpful for her to get my feedback. I like helping.
It also made me feel like I was back in college, rushing for deadlines.

Mom's things were due Monday night by midnight, and The Dude's paper I had to get to him by Tuesday morning at 9.

I also did NOT feel like wearing pants, so I sat in my attic crawlspace just ya know, writing with "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" playing in the background. It was lovely.

Finally, I went downstairs to shower (I forgot to mention that my French Family didn't go away this weekend so I was refined to my room, and descending only to shower-my decision they were happy to see me) Eléonore told me that I didn't have to ask to come shower so that was sweet of her. Antoine and Olympe were sitting in the dinner room having gôuter and we chatted a little bit. He asked if I went out the night before. I like him, because I think he lives vicariously through me sometimes. He ALWAYS asks if I'm going out and what I'm doing. It's funny. So I told him I had a little rendezvous. and he got all "Ohhhh a rendezvous? Avec un garçon?" 
"Mais oui"
"Français?"
"Grec-américain"
"Pas grave. You need to meet some French men though"
"I'M TRYING"

It was funny. Nothing serious but I like that Antoine and I get each other. Olympe was actually pleasant with me as well which was, ya know, a change haha.

I finished the evening by going over to Lauren's for our weekly Sunday Dinner. Me, Lauren, Rebecca, and Jade (again not sure if I mentioned her before but I am now) we all watched When Harry Met Sally. Maybe one of my favorite movies. It's SO. WELL. WRITTEN.

Ugh, supa chill weekend.

TONIGHT

"Hey, I'm here. Where are you?" he said into his shitty French Samsung.
"I'm crossing the street," she said into hers.
"Okay, I think I see you."
"I'm fucking with my sock."
He looked across the street and saw her from behind. She was bent over, balancing on one leg, doing...something with her sock, all the while trying to hold a phone against her ear. She looked ridiculous.
"Yeah, I definitely see you," he hung up smiling as she turned around to find him. She smiled and they met in the crosswalk to kiss hello.

Tonight was a really nice night. Carolyn and I had a pretty laid back Saturday with our friend Sabrine and we did some cheap shopping up and down this little street near Republique. I'll definitely go back there for some stuff :)

I was feel pretty confident today because the fact of the matter is, it's really exciting being an assertive woman in the 21st century. That being said I met up with my dude friend later on to help him with his art history paper. (He's studying abroad and I studied English AND Art History so I was feeling more than qualified to help him out.) It was pretty chill too. We sat in my stupid attic crawl space and just worked on it for a few hours and then ended up jammin to some music and being ridiculous.

He may or may not have busted out Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On" head turn and sexy dance included. It may or may not have been the funniest thing I've ever seen. Charm. For. Days.

That being said after a while we ended up going out with Lauren and Rebecca in the Quartiers Latien. (I'm not sure if I've mentioned Rebecca yet but she's from South Africa and she's one of our friends and she lives near Lauren. She's fun and really sweet!) We walked around for a while and then the dude and I decided we wanted to do our own thing. ALSO WE WERE STARVING. So we parted ways and ended up sitting on the street, eating crepes, and talking about life. Periodically, we would switch crepes and eat each others. Just a chill time. We actually had a good talk, from my perspective, and I kind of just relayed some ideas that Hannah and I had been talking about earlier in the week about how it's important to be real with people, and that I liked him and hoped we could stay friends. When we finally made it to the metro (we didn't want to miss the last one before 2am) he asked if it was okay if he went home, and I said "Obviously." and he said, "I feel like I can just talk honestly with you and you're not going to take it the wrong way." Then we heard the last metro and SPRINTED to our opposite platforms, but not without a whimsical and rushed parting embrace.

SOOO....Paris is cool.

Prin Alumni!

Tonight was a really fun night.  I got to meet another American girl who's going to be living in Paris for and extended period of time. She's staying with her friend, a french man who lives near Bastille. It's a cool little apartment. That's all I could want in life is a cute little apartment in a poppin' city. It was also really good to see Jess. She made me feel such an authentic connection to my abroad in Prague and "bringing back the real news." We didn't do anything particularly exciting other than eat a delicious dinner, enjoy good company, and walk around to a few cool venues. Either way, I was really happy for the connection. I've really been missing that in my day to day life.

Say what you mean...

I have this friend, Hannah. She's a badass. She's from the UK. Natural ginger, big smile, nose ring, tattoos, and wisdom for days.
"I know everything. Like actually, I'm an old woman, and I know everything."
She's 25, she's not that old.
"I might be wrong sometimes, but I'm the first to admit that."
However, she has become the "Terry" of my life here in Paris. The wise, always correct, British influence that smacks me around and expects me to fend for myself in the best possible way.

Today, we had a really great talk about men, friends, and girls. The main point of our entire conversation was that people need to say what they mean, and frankly, they usually do. Unfortunately, the grand majority over think and over analyze every single moment, every single word, when ultimately, if they took it at face value they'd see that life is actually very simple.

Yesterday during our talk she told me:
"I always say what I mean. I say exactly what I'm thinking all the time, but I always think before I speak because I don't want to regret anything. I'm 100% honest. There's no guessing with me. If I like you, I'm going to tell you I like you. For instance, Danielle, I think you're a really cool girl. Hanging out with you is easy and fun. I feel like we are the same in the sense that we don't judge people, we just let them be and it's easy for them to be around us. It's easy for me to be around you. You care about things, and the world. Everyone feels stupid saying that to someone! But we shouldn't, we need to tell people. Not even in a romantic way. Everyone is so afraid of talking about their feelings and I don't understand. If you like someone, tell them. If you want to see someone, tell them. If you think about him at all during the day and you have his number, just text him. You're not asking him to marry you, you're asking if he wants to hang out again and if he says no, why should you care? That's his problem. He's testing you. He probably feels like an idiot for texting you and you never responding. Wrong number or not, there must be a part of him that feels like you did it on purpose. He was probably as relieved as you were when he found out you weren't ignoring him but still. Boys especially, say what they mean. Girls especially, want to convince you that it means something else, something less, or something with greater meaning, when in reality "I want to see you again" means "I want to see you again." You strike me as someone who is upfront about who they are. You don't say things you don't mean either, that's why we get along, so if you told him you wanted to hang out you better text him. Today. Right now."

Hannah is always right. For an old maid that is...

That one time she was my date

She's also a magician.

Hump Day

You were all thinking it.

Today was CHILL. I got to go to breakfast late (8am), I chilled around all day because the kids and Eléonore went to their grandmother's house. I worked out!

I know this girl and she posted an insta "before and after" pick of her bod. She was working SO hard last semester at school and was looking SO good. And now, after graduating, she's kept at it and she looks amazing. Maybe it's because I actually know her and have witnessed the results that I was truly inspired.

Donc, I hopped back on the horse. Used the elliptical, did some leg exercises, and I'm re-committing to my fitness. I hate being soft. It's not a vain thing, it's just an energy and purpose thing. I like working hard, I like running, I like the consistency and discipline. It's time I stop lounging around enjoying Paris and start RUNNING Paris.

That reminds me. Some dude emailed me today from that MeetUp site. He's new to Paris and wants to make friends. He mentioned some activities he'd be down for to which I responded,

"My only question is, do you mean "run with" like as an exercise activity or in the way a gangsta "runs" with his crew? Cause either is fine with me, I just pictured the activity."

Pretty sure he fell in love right then and there. I'm hilarious. 

In other news, we ate my cheesecake tonight and everyone was pleased. My thoughts:

1. They were just being nice
2. It was too dry for my liking
3. My crust was PIMP! (so good won't lie)
4. Buy a new pan so it can be thicker

Other than that a pleasant day. Breaking Bad is CRAY CRAY, and I'm tired as all hell. But I got a new bedspread that doesn't remind me of the interior of a little boys room and I like being in my crawl space MUCH more now. It's so pretty :) 

Good day. Good night. 

Cheesecake

Cheesecakes are like relationships, and today I'm making one. You have all the ingredients. You know how to use them, where they go, how they should act and react to one another. You blend, you measure, stir, substitute, compromise and add (hopefully) a lot of much desired "cheese".

When it's time for the oven, you brave it. You endure the heat cause you want to stick together. You want all of your combined ingredients to meld and withstand the pressure. The conflict, if you will. 

After you're done baking you probably need some time to cool off. Still feels like you're in the oven though, and even though the damn thing is off you stay there, you stay inside, contained, to cool. Cause you don't want the cheesecake to crack. No one wants to eat a cracked cheesecake.

In order to reverse the heat that supposedly brought you closer together and to move forward in the preparation, you gotta spend three days in the fridge. Three. Days. In the cold. 

Three days, three years, three decades. Quelle est la différence? 

Cause when it comes down to it, don't we all just want to eat the fucking cheesecake? Enjoy all that hard work and waiting...even when you know it'll be gone? Cause one way or another you're going to finish the damn thing. 

The best part is that you can always make another cheesecake.